Black as the night

my dormant account...

2007-12-14T09:30:58Z

I probably won't be posting my updates here anymore. I'll be posting them in my once dormant account blue_eyed_fox

Woo Hoo!~

2007-05-18T14:41:11Z

Finally! Miriam College can say goodbye to me!

I've finally finished my summer classes in Miriam and thus, I can finally say that I am now officially part of batch 2007.

Well, unless the FL teacher failed me in the second half of the integrated spanish class....

My muse has finally come back. Let's just hope it decides to stay for good. And oh by the way, I've updated my fics at FF.net too!

Killing myself slowly...

2006-11-20T09:26:35Z

I am still alive...

I don't know why...

I am currently in another dilemma and it's placing me under a new pressure....

I am again in another bout of suicidal tendencies... From overdose to wrist slashing, morbid images seems to be the most beautiful thing right now to me... No matter how much I wan't to think positively and look at the bright side, I want my dark side is pulling me down this destructive whirlpool that I have unknowingly created over the years...

tantrajadeheart @ 2006-10-16T13:31:00

2006-10-16T13:35:52Z

If I disappear one day, and not hear from me anymore... I guess you already have the faintest idea of what has happened to me..

"I am nothing more but a dying dreamer... Some people just give up so easily becuase all their life, they have been fighting for what they believe in and for what they have dreamed of for the longest time possible..."

I have lived my life the way I think I wanted it to. I was able to write, and do what I love most. However, everything right now is bleak... I am surrounded by uncertainty and therefore, I am unsure of what my future holds for me...

This may be my last entry... I do not know what lies ahead of me now. I can only hope for the best and do what i can while I still can... While I still possess my earthly possessions in which time holds meaning.

I cannot guarantee that I will be back nor can I utter soft spoken promises only to end up being broken and shattered... The sands of time is now neither ally or foe, time is ticking and every breath I take may be my last.

Regret is something I would like to relish but there is no place for it in my heart to dwell on. I can only think of it for a fleeting moment and then return to my rather empty shell where my wandering and lost soul resides.

As much as I want to stay up and continue my works, I don't have the strength to do so... I have so much to do yet so little time to accomplish everyhting I want to do. Life is indeed a funny thing. Lidded with angst, happiness, rage, bitterness, sorrow, joy and remorse and so much more. I want to experience all these emotions.

I want to feel ~~pain...~~

I want to feel ~~rage...~~

I want to feel ~~sorrow...~~

And yet...

I want to be complete...

I want to feel complete... even if it was just for a moment...

Even if it was just in my last breath...

I want to be... to feel....

This might be my final entry... Anyone who will read this... If you want to ask... Hopefully, if I find my salvation along the way, if I live through this hell, I will tell you my story...

O.o I'm not at home!

2006-09-24T13:58:29Z

I'm not at home dammit! I want to go home! But I friggin can't because of this feasibility that my group has to finish tonight since tomorrow is the deadline....Gosh... and here we are pretending to be busy when in reality, we have nothing more to do but wait for the parts of the others.. i should have known something like this would eventually happen... i should have said no.. i should nothave been here in the first place.. i should have been at home... typing fics and reading something rather than reports that are now the source of my eye sore! (damn i really need my glasses now...

but nooo.... i was just too kind and too soft to say no to them! Aren't I so helpful to my peers?

Anyway... I'm gonna bitch out again tomorrow.. i better go and do my work before my peers skin me alive... well.. literally....

Friggin tired...

2006-09-24T04:31:20Z

I am soooo tired. No tired isn't even the right word to describe how i friggin feel right now!

I am stressed out of my wits and I have a lot of requirements to finish and its so damn frustrating!

I still have to finish my damn paper and I have to make a test for sixth grade students to measure their stress levels!
Do I suddenly sound like a psychologist? Well, not likely since I'm a Child Development and Education major so most of my focus are on children...

Damn feasibility study...damn test making subject... gah! I can't take this anymore... I need a good source of inspiration and strength.. something that will motivate me to push myself to my limits until I literally drop dead... Cool huh?

I'll soon lose my mind...=3

2006-09-09T12:46:53Z

Yatta! I've finally been able to update my fics! Not to mention, be able to make a one-shot! Woot! Just check out my links... I'm sure you will be able to find it there..^^

Anyway, i won't be ablr to stay long since I have to make a couple more fics not to mention finish my damn papers! grrrr!

In and out of my sanity

2006-09-06T13:23:21Z

I am slowly losing it!

I am now on the verge of losing my sanity. So many things are due for tomorrow and I'm working like mad! I'm cramming in other words... XD so much for me being such a lazy slob when it comes to school work, and to think that I'm a graduating student. I never thought that college life would suck this bad when it comes to the final year. I just want to write fics! I don't want to do those crappy term papers and all! As if I'm going to end up using it in the end...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Anyway, my life sucks as of the moment.But the good thing is that FFnet is now working! Weeee!

Hey... Shouldn't I be working on my papers not reading fics? XD ahahahaha... I can never be too distracted, but then again, since my fics and papers are saved in one computer, I can't help but get distracted.

Say, is that good or bad distraction?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Right now, these are the TOP TEN THINGS I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW:

1. Read a nice fanfictions
2. Read a good book
3. Write Fanfictions
4. Eat
5. Drink lots of water
6. Sleep
7. Do my journal for that damn moral development subject
8. Dance
9. Listen to my i-pod
10. Go find a someone who would just kill me right now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hahaha... anyway... I need to cram later but before I do, I better buy something to eat.. I'm starving...(T-T)

Great.. Just great...

2006-08-08T10:28:03Z

There's no one home, I'm all alone outside... In otherwords, I left my key... So whhat to do? Of course, go back to the internet cafe! WEEEE!!!

What type of person is drawn to you? (Amazing anime pics!)

Caring: Someone has felt so bad for you that they have soon fallen in love with you! You are very fortunate for this person because without them you would be completely lost. This person is probably very nice, maybe they can overdo it sometimes. ^_^;; Prepare to be spoiled beyond your imagination. They love to see you happy and won't let anything get in thier way when it comes to doing so, even themselves. My personal honest advice to you is suck it up a bit. When you show that you feel bad it makes other people feel very guilty and terrible. Life really isn't bad and everyone has thier problems. You try to repay them and in return make them happy. You will soon relise that you TRULLY love them back. They don't wish of anything from you. Sometimes, it is this person that finds yourself.
Take this quiz!

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Rain, rain and more rain...

2006-07-14T08:05:21Z

Yes!!! It's raining! I hope a typhoon or storm comes up... Or should I say, I hope there's more to come the following days. I really can't stand going to school nowadays, dunno why...

Honestly! I feel so cranky all the time... I just want to sleep all day, as in go in HIBERNATION MODE! Hahahahaha! I don't know what's come over me nowadays... I just want to sleep or read something... And don't ask what it is... (evil laugh..) Screw school! I just want to get over it, although I still haven't accomplished a few more tasks that is majorly important to my future.. That is if I want to go up the stage on march! Kuso! Damn that foreign language class! Why on earth didn't they include foreign language during the early years of children's live where children learn and understand new languages better! (Don't you get it? Why do you think they teach English as the second language here in our country huh?!)

So now, here I am trying to figure out what to do and what to eat later for dinner (that is if I feel like eating dinner, if not, well, to hell with it!). So right now, I decided to do some cranky research for a damn paper and at the same time search for something to read by the time I return to my cozy little dorm... So to speak, when i get back I have to clean the whole place up and wash my dirty laundry before I get a fresh new batch of ranting from my mom. Honestly, I don't want my ears to bleed, I love my ears. ^_^

Anyway, I still have to search for a damn journal regarding Cerebral Palsy in kids (some sort of report or whatever done here in the Philippines)not to mention, me and my friend are lagging behind one school observation... Damn that school! >_<

Well then. Ja ne!

Music and Butts on Fire

2006-04-24T06:53:44Z

Oh well, here I am again...

My butt is on fire... I've been sitting in front of the PC for 4hours straight and guess what I'm doing? Downloading Anime mp3.. I should have done this a long time ago but hell! What device should I use then? Sa May ko pa makukuha mp3 player ko... woot! MP3!!! WEEEE!!!

And so, while I'm downloading, vend mode muna...Hay naku, ang aarte ng mga tao... mura n nga ayaw pa bilhin... pati ba naman in game naapektohan ang vending and buying ng players dahil sa economy ng Pilipinas?

Beauty and Madness

2006-04-15T12:29:15Z

When does one explode like a atomic bomb dropped at Hiroshima? When the fine line of being nice and being bitchy is crossed.

It just so happens that earlier today, someone stepped on my last nerve. He was PASAWAY to the max. He wont be polite and respectful to anyway unless he knows that this person was talking to a girl. What an imbecile!

This person should know the fine line between respecting and being a jester. He should be given a lesson he should never forget.

I could even care less of what this person thinks of me. I could care less kung ipag sigawan nia sa buong manas na mataray and suplada ako. Who cares, bakit, sino ba siya? Does he know the real me? No he doesn't. So bakit ko pa pag tutuunan ng pansin ang mga tulad niya na di marunong gumalang. Karma dapat ang abutin niya.

Yes.... I am so evil.. Bitchy to be precise...

~*~*~

Right now, I'm trying to openly express my emotions. Well, I must say its quite liberating but still feels a bit wierd..^_^

~*~*~

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Wow... Well now, am I? ^___^

Your French Name is:

Adélaïde Bruneau

What's Your French Name?

Your Japanese Name Is...

Hisano Reizei

What's your Japanese Name?

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.

They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.

It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.

They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Unwell

2006-04-09T07:22:09Z

Shit happens... Someone once told me this...

Yes... Shit does happen... And it happened to me again...

In life, it's normal... In love... It has always been, but should it be that way everytime?

Men will always be men, and this fact hasn't glued itself firmly in my mind like epoxy but today, I got hit by lightning... I realized that I let myself fall, and fall I did and no one was there to catch me... Being hurt, having your heart torn into pieces is one thing one has to endure.

But how long can I endure? When will the tears stop falling like rain from clouds of sorrow... When will the hurting stop?

Funny yet ironic... There is this saying that people who protect others, people who looks so strong are the ones who needs to be protected... I have been enduring for so long that it already came to the point that I have already worn a mask so I can please everyone and not disappoint them... I have become so emotionally drained... I have become so tired... I have become feeble and weak inside.

It already stuck in my mind that I want to be remembered as the girl who always wears a smile even when her heart is broken and the one who could always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own...

I sit here now, thinking...
Thinking
Thinking how stupid I was to fall
Why is it so hard to say "good-bye"?
I sit here now, thinking...
Where did I go wrong?
What did I say that mage you look away?
What did I do that made you change your mind...
I sit here now, thinking....
Was it worth it?
Was I loved?
Or was I just used?
Right now, I want to find..
Arms that will HOLD me at my weakest,
Eyes that will SEE me at my ugliest,
and a HEART that will love at my worst...
But searching will do me no good.
I have to wait. But wait till when?
All I can do now is not to wait or search...
I'll let it find me...
Till then would I have found true love.